“Why are women so complicated, crazy, or confusing?” men wonder.

I hear this complaint all the time — from friends, family, and acquaintances. I even read this rhetorical reduction from strangers online.

The real underlying question men want to know is this:

What am I missing?

OR

What am I doing wrong?

Or, reduced:

What the heck do women want, anyway?

Good question. And one that can be answered in a simple, upfront way. We women may be complicated, yes. We may seem crazy or confusing or conflicted. But, underneath, there’s a formula for what we want — and what we need.

Because a man needs to know & act on those needs before a woman decides he’s the one she’ll love.

“Many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find what they want so hard to comprehend and deliver.”

— Deborah Tannen, author, professor of linguistics at Georgetown

The walls come tumbling down

What do women want?

Different women want different things, of course. We women are all ubiquitously unique creatures. Some of us want big and burly. Others desire smart and savvy. Yet others long for a man who is adventurous, spontaneous, chivalrous, or sedate. The possible permutations of female desire are beautifully and ironically infinite.

Women’s wish-list variations are widely and wildly different. But discovering a man who fulfills her outer needs is part of the fun of dating — and part of the joy of finding the guy who rings her bell.

But that’s all frosting. That’s all ribbons and trimming. That’s all the outer ring of the sphere of love.

Yes, attraction is vitally important. Intimacy and sex and closeness are nirvana. There’s no moving forward without these extrinsic outer needs and wants.

But if the man can’t figure out the intrinsic inner needs ipnuippnupati.id of his lady, the tall towers of the fantasy castle will come crashing to the ground. Sooner or later, the walls will crack. Soon after, the princess will flee, taking her love and magic and desire elsewhere.

2 keys to success

Yes, there’s a formula for what women want — underneath it all.

There are really only 2 keys to making the formula work:

1. The man needs to know (and meet) her needs.

and…

2. The woman decides he’s the right man to fulfill those.

Needs x 4

Human needs are universal. William Glasser’s Control Theory postulates that all of us need four fundamental things to lead happy, fulfilling lives: love (and belonging to a group), power (and a sense of control and competency), fun (and play and adventure), and freedom (and the agency to make our own choices).

That said, women have their own unique needs when they desire an authentic, loving, lasting relationship with a man.

If these 4 needs are met, the relationship can progress, develop, and deepen.

On the other hand, women turn away from a man — and the relationship — when one or more of their needs are not fulfilled.

It’s that simple. If something’s missing, she’ll feel it. She’ll pull away, whether mentally, physically, or spiritually. When a need is unmet, she’ll withdraw in some way, big or small. She’ll get quiet. She’ll pull back. She won’t open fully to her man. She’ll be on guard. She’ll retreat.

And the relationship will feel different for her. Eventually, her man will feel it too.

A man who loves his lady will strive to fix the problem. But a man who is attentive and attuned will look deeper into himself to see what he can do to mend the breach. Because he loves her. And because he knows that her love is worth the effort — and well worth his time, patience, and understanding spent meeting her needs.

A woman is not a man

She’s not a man. She’s a woman — she’s his partner, his love, his choice to walk beside him in life.

She has needs that are different than his. He doesn’t always get why, but he knows that meeting those needs are fundamental to her happiness. And if she’s not happy, content, and safe, their relationship will suffer. She will suffer. And so will he.

A wise man considers, understands, and practices meeting his partner’s feminine needs. He loves her. And he wants her — and their relationship — to flourish.

“Women want a man who can say I love you every night and prove it every day.”